I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
