all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
