My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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