I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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