Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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