Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
