I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
