If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
