I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
