He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
