Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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