You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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