I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just cut my nipple shaving
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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