Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
