and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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