I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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