He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
