Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
