apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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