Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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