Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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