i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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