I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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