my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
