so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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