OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
