Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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