If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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