All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if only i could text you this smell
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
