he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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