A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
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if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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