mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish you could order shots online.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
