I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
