did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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