why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
