i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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