If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
