i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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