You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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