At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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