I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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