There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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