my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
