I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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