we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
