I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
