I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
