She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
