Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
