i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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