laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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