I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
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I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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