Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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