Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
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i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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