Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize