I didn't shave. On purpose
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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