I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
