I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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