Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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