I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
